The last time I went to the UK in 2008, I literally fled there after spending about 10 minutes deciding that I had to get out of Toronto and escape the reality of my newly failed relationship. As soon as I booked the ticket, I emailed my parents to inform them that I was leaving. I think they were too worried about my mental state to be angry that I had done something so impulsive.
I had to search through my email recently to find out the specific dates of my last visit and found a slew of old emails that I wrote to friends who were graciously helping me get through the ordeal in the process. The below is taken from an email that I wrote a friend while I was there:
"So anyway.. yeah….. I’m not doing so well. :( I know it’s only been a few days in London and hopefully I’ll get better throughout the week…but I can’t shake that stupid Disney ‘he’s meant for me’ feeling. Every time I go to a place around central London, I am flooded with memories of how I was there just 2 years earlier with him. Not much has changed in a few years… so it was instantly easy to remember all of the spots I went to with him. I can’t stop thinking that all of this is some crazy nightmare and if I’m good, soon I’ll wake up and he’ll be there as I wake up making everything alright. I keep feeling like we defy the definitions of a typical break up."
In the new year (2015), I’ll be visiting the UK for the first time since that fateful break up (I can’t believe it has been so long!). But this time, I’ll be re-entering the country with the love of my life (gag if you must, but I am thankful every day that we’ve been given this time together). I’m not saying this to be all high and mighty - I’m not. What I was at the time, though, was a young and inexperienced girl who was convinced that I was going through hell. I remember wanting so desperately to reverse time, to somehow re-write the past, and control the future to include the scenario that I thought was right for me.
The next time I get frustrated that something isn’t unfolding in the way that I want it to, I’ll refer myself to this - proof that everything happens for a reason, even if we can’t see our way through it at the time. And it’s always, always for the best.
Time is a funny, yet wonderful thing.
I can’t wait to see London in a different lens.
I’m so getting an Apple Watch when it’s available. I’ve been holding off on upgrading my Garmin for years (if it ain’t broke…) but I’m ready to try something completely new and embrace this new technology.
Most of the tech blogs are going to talk about the iPhone 6. To that I say meh. Boring!
I’m going to address the Watch (it’s called Apple Watch, or Watch, not iWatch apparently). Not from the angle of a tech journalist trying to understand fitness. Tech bloggers on fitness come across like…
I love the fact that my husband loves me enough to watch Buffy, one of my all-time favourite TV show. I know this is the first and last time he’ll watch the series, but I love discovering each episode with him. I love the fact that he’s given it a chance. And I love the fact that I can tell he’s kind of really liking it. :)
Made me extremely happy.
Or maybe I just woke up in a good mood because this is similar to what I eat almost every day. I’m still feeling trapped at the moment, that hasn’t changed. But, somehow I feel hopeful more than hopeless. We are planning some big changes coming up, and I’m finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
So this morning, I made this delicious smoothie with blueberries and pineapple and ate it with some homemade granola and half of a crumbled up strawberry vegan muffin. Food has this way of lifting me up and energizing me for the day.
And, without really noticing, I found myself back here. Again. Incredibly numb and unhappy. The last time this happened, I was in a dead end relationship, but too scared of being alone to end it. Since I can rule that possibility out, now the question is… What exactly is my problem? Why am I so discontent? A big change is coming, that’s the only way to shake free from this (I think). I just hope I can shake this weird feeling soon. It’s unhealthy and concerning.
Today, I give up. On a number of things. Today, I just feel like there’s no point. I’ve been running through a list in my head of how many times I’ve gone for something and fallen short. It’s heartbreaking to set goals and not achieve them. It all started when I was a lot younger and wanted to stop being so reactive and complacent. Up until that point I *thought* I could achieve more for myself, but had been too lazy/afraid to try. So I tried, and I learned quickly that life isn’t like the movies - hard work, determination doesn’t really get you anywhere sometimes.
Sometimes, you just have to accept life’s shortfalls.
There’s only so many times I want to put myself out there and feel heartbroken.
Today, I give up.
Last night I had a dream that I was living in a beautiful apartment with Mike. I don’t know where it was located, but I do know that for some reason, we were only occupying the main living area. One day, I decided to venture into the additional bedroom. It was massive, and full of promise. We started talking about all the possibilities - we could move our bed into one corner, have a large dining table in another.. it seemed everywhere we turned, we thought of a new way we could live differently. It was exciting to talk about, but deep down, I just felt myself fearing this unknown. I wanted to keep my life contained in the main room. I didn’t want to acquire new things, or have responsibility for a second room. I felt like I really had enough where I was…. but at the same time, I didn’t want to stand still.
Standing still and fearing the unknown. Those two things plague me on a daily basis. I want to grow, and I want to keep moving… But fear holds me back. Fear of over-thinking my next step. It’s one of the reasons why I fantasize about giving up material “things” in life. Owning things - furniture, appliances, cars, houses - all of those “things” feel like they weigh me down. They anchor me and make me feel somewhat trapped. In life, I’ve always thrown caution to the wind. I’ve followed my heart and forged on until something slapped me back and forced me to change my direction. I’m proactively reactive. I know this isn’t sustainable, but I can’t seem to change my approach. Not yet, anyway.
Ironically, I do a lot of project management and planning in my work… and yet I wouldn’t consider myself a great planner in life. I prefer to do things last minute while under pressure. I always figured picking up and leaving would be a fairly quick decision process - I’d decide, book my tickets, and work backwards with my job, apartment, friends and family.
I see all the value in settling down in a place, having lots of daily distractions to keep you going day to day, but I can’t shake the feeling that I need something more. I need to do something more with my life and figure out why I am here and what I need to be spending my time on. This life I’ve been given is fleeting, and I want to make the best of it without hurting everyone around me in the process.
But where do I begin to search? Where do I begin to figure out what good I can contribute to this world when I can barely get perspective on my own?
I know nothing makes me happier than making other people happy. Sometimes that leads to being a doormat and being trampled on. But other times, it leads to amazing feelings of connection, compassion, empathy, and love. Whatever I do in my life, I want to be interacting with people and somehow making their lives a little bit better. Because in doing so, I inevitably feel better myself. I thought I could do it through my baking, but the wholesale angle just shut me off from human contact and I became a mass muffin producing machine (except being human, I broke down). I lost the human connection with my customers, and my friends as well because I was too busy baking to spend time with them. I like meeting with people and getting to know their stories. I like helping them sort through theirs, because it always helps me navigate my own as well. I’ve considered careers in counselling and social work, but friends have warned me that I would get too emotionally invested and would take too much on.
And so… the thinking continues. Sometimes I like that I think so much.. and other times, I feel like it holds me back and keeps me from moving forward.
I totally got this!
This is me errday
This ab challenge thing is hard. I might need to add this to it just to balance out. ;)
I LOVE this!!